Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The Greatest 1950s Stories Ever Told: "The Girl in Superman's Past"

The Superman universe of comics exploded in the mid to late 1950's, developing into what we know of it today. Supergirl. Krypto the Superdog. Brainiac. Kandor. Streaky the Supercat.

Jimmy Olsen, Daily Planet cub reporter and Superman's pal got his own comic book earlier in the decade. Lois Lane later got the same treatment, first through a try-out in DC Comics' "experimental, will-it-sell?" comic Showcase in 1957. The Superman comics were always good at bringing in the unbelievable- the writers were stuck with a super-godlike character that couldn't just fight normal villains and have normal adventures, so they went completely over-the-top, to the point of completely messing with their readers. But, with this in mind, Lois Lane comics somehow brought this type of story-telling to a whole new nth level of ridiculousness! The Lois Lane comics are completely and utterly saturated with "what-the...?" moments.

A good deal of Lois Lane comics dealt with her obsession of finding out who Superman truly is, usually with some out-of-this-world schemes, or, with her obsession with MARRYING Superman, which usually involved some other woman getting in the way! Sometimes, she would get Superman to marry her, but the reader would find out that these were "imaginary stories," a brand of what-if situations where things would go dramatically wrong!



This particular story brings the grown-up Lana Lang into the world of Superman. When Superman was a boy living in Smallville, he operated as Superboy- and Lana Lang was his double-L-initialled girlfriend. What would happen if she were to suddenly show up again??? Let the crazy begin!!!

From Showcase Comics #9 (June/July 1957):
First of all, this story must be read as a story of two snarly drag-queens catfighting it out over some poor guy! Mreeeeeow!

"Hussy!" Way to go, Lois! That's a word that ain't used enough!

Lana seems like a cat that won't stop rubbing up against you no matter how many times you kick it!

Super-sweat!


Clark looks deformed in that first panel. And more Super-sweat. I love sweat-beads in comics! Especially, when Superman doesn't break a sweat pushing planets around- yet, these two in a room together will make sweat buckets!

Lois is already scheming...look at her eyes- soooo cold.

Lana casually applying lipstick. Cold.


Clark Kent (alias Superman), it's your own damn fault for getting these scheming bitches together in one room!

More Super-sweat, he's been sweating up a storm since this story started!

Those crazy queens are talking smack and comparing suspicions! It's like Clark wants to be found out!!!

PS: The gay waiter is a nice artistic addition to a bunch of hags reminiscing over their plans of outing Superman.


Lois is keeping her enemies close, real close!

Lana, you moved to Metropolis without a job or place to live???

Hmmmmm....I wonder what people would think of all the pictures of super-heroes I have up on my walls? Would they jump to conclusions and think we're dating?

Lois is touching and caressing Lana's drag costume.

Watch out, Lana! Lois is about to show you her man-parts!


So Lana moved to Metropolis without a job or a home and basically has nothing, yet she still carries around a framed love note from when she was a kid, and brings it out any chance she's got.....that sound's healthy!


Lana, you better get that wig back into place!

Oooooo, here's they get all "Sex in the City!" "He never kissed you--did he?????"

"Of course!" Lana, you hussy!

By the way, Lana you are looking soooo Vertigo Kim Novak- those hefty caked-on eyebrows!





The claws are coming out! Lois, I hope you can match the crazy stalker tenacity of Lana!


Lana, acting all cool again! Reapplying that lipstick again! Signature move!

As you will see, Superman loves to sit down and have a hearty meal!

"Green Horse" Inn? That sounds grosssss. Luckily, Superman can eat anything, as you will see later!

Who's paying for this meal? Superman, you have no place to put a wallet. And Lana, you have no job!

Oh by the way, bitch, you wore that same skanky-ass outfit yesterday!


Superman, you need to stop going out to eat all the time. You are getting fat. You have that big old body and that tiny little head. Too many lunch dates at the Green Horse!

Likely story, Lois. Way to be professional!

What the heck is that junkman doing with his junk-truck in front of the Green Horse Inn??? What kind of place do they run??? It's funny, Superman never has to pay for anything!


That's got to be good advertising for one's restaurant. Superman comes and eats at your place, yet he'd rather chew on some garbage from the passing junk-cart!

Lois, don't you be letting him do you that way! Tie you to a kite, what????? I don't care how sturdy it is! Have some dignity!


Now that is what you call a job for Superman....a blow job! (so sorry...)

Lois, no matter how high in the air you are, you are at a new low. Although, being flown on a kite is probably something no other drag queen has ever done before!


Surprise! Superman is eating out again.

Oh, and look, Lana is wearing that hideous outfit for a third day in a row. Must not have had any room in her luggage for clothes with all the Superman relics she brought along.


Superman looks like he needs some Gas-X.

Lois and Lana, you're about to see he hates you equally.

Superman, the one who started de-forestation.


A cool parlor trick---flying with a woman in one arm, and a completely set dinner table in the other, and not dropping either!


What???? A cooking program??? How 1950s of you, Lana! At least you know the way to Superman's heart. Look, that ass is outside your fake studio window, somehow floating in the air and EATING.


Uh-oh, so they realize that he was being nice to both of them! So they are going to take their insidiousness to a whole new level! Well, I hope they at least change their clothes tomorrow!


Nope, same nasty-ass smelly clothes again! Four days in a row.

Dude, don't let them touch your remote controls!!!


Um, if the steamroller and glider are remote-controlled, why do they have drivers' seats???? What are this guy's credentials????

Girls, pretending that you are in trouble is really going to make you look good. "Remember that time we pretended to be in danger and got Superman to "save" us. And then that orphanage burned down because he wasn't there! Hahahahahahaha!"


Superman's about to bring the smack-down!


Drama/Drag queens just hate it when they aren't getting the attention they desire! So mopey! "Oh, he wouldn't care if we lived or died!!!" Boo-hooo! Get a job!


Lois and Lana, Superman likes Jimmy Olsen more.


Ok, Superman, like I've said before, you've only brought this upon yourself!

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