The Greatest 1950s Stories Ever Told: "Top Secret!"

Oh, how I've been looking forward to posting my review of this story! I don't think there was a single DC comic in the 1950's with a female in it that wasn't darn right crrrrrazy!!!

This one is a Wonder Woman tale published a mere two issues after the forced departure of original iconic Wonder Woman artist H.G. Peters. The talented Ross Andru and Mike Esposito took over the art chores, and the illustrations are like cotton candy- pure bliss! The story, however, is whack-a-doodle-doo!

The change of creative direction threw out many elements, that until then, defined the Amazon princess as Wonder Woman! Gone was her mythological origin, any references to World War Two, and her original purpose. Just a crazy super chick dealing with relationship issues and the dimwitted schemes of the oh-so handsome Colonel Steve Trevor!

With that in mind, check out Wonder Woman #99 (July 1958):

The splash page diptych is gorgeous! But we find out that the origin of Wonder Woman's alter ego Diana Prince is about to get revamped!

The story starts off like a comic book remix of old letters to the Ladies Home Journal with the gossipy banter of "Steel Magnolias!"

Scarf??? Why the heck does Wonder Woman even own a scarf??? Maybe that's a tale for a later issue!

Wow, what luck, Col. Steve Trevor! Your wing just "snaps" off. A clear symbol of emasculation.

Wonder Woman "firmly" holds Trevor's broken appendage into place until he's made his landing.

The stunt is done. There is photographic evidence, and it will show up when least expected. Wonder Woman better have an agent...

Ok! Here's the conflict of this story (and many others to come): Steve Trevor has co-dependency issues, while Wonder Woman "explains" that she can only be with him once WORLD PEACE is at hand. Trevor, she's just not that into you!

Col. Trevor, are you a starry-eyed, high school freshman??? Such poetic whining!

Wow. Mc-Schemey! Look at all that CRAZY going on in those eyes! Wonder Woman! Dump. His. Ass. NOW!

OMG. He already has a goddam ring. Look at Wonder Woman's cold, wooden, lifeless expression. She wants to run, but just took a dump in those blue, starry wonder-shorts of hers.

One of my favorite comic book panels of all time! MILLIONS of bathers at this beach! That's a lot of sun-tan lotion! Check out the plus-sized manatee in the hat! You can tell the artists had fun drawing this one!

First of all, Wonder Woman at a beach. How amazingly perfect! She wears a swim-suit, like every single day!

Ok. This is where I gush about the cinematic style of this triptych. This sequence is expertly choreographed. The three panels are practically the same, except that in each one Steve Trevor gets eerily and eerily closer. Such a stalker!!! And Wonder Woman is so stunned her face is frozen in place. She can not believe the level of crazy.

Whew! What a relief, Wonder Woman! That roller coaster conveniently needs fixing! Who the heck are the contractors in this town? The planes' wings just fall off. The roller coasters crash into pieces. The workmanship isn't what it used to be!

This has all the makings of a bad Lifetime movie!

I could stare at this panel for ages! Check out all those interesting costumes! It's like a set of some crazy Hollywood musical! Cleopatra, Lady Luck, the Egg Lady! Amazing, there's also Bugs Bunny and Minnie Mouse!

I'd love to see Wonder Woman at the costume shop deciding on this one!

Ooooo, look at look of despair and pure dread on the princess' face! Her nightmare has shockingly come true!

Sigh! Another chance to get away from him! Hey, Trevor, you should step back and reconsider your relationship with someone who would rather take the chance of being struck dead by lightning over being your wife. Kind of a subtle clue.

Ahhhh, Steve your desperate plan just flopped. Maybe next time you should just fake a pregnancy to get her to marry you.

Ooh la la! A bevy of attractive hot-nerd applicants and an oral examination. Make sure it's thorough!

Underwater??? What kind of secretary position is this, anyway???

So...it's come to this. Steve Trevor is such an annoyance and disruption in Wonder Woman's life that she is now taking time out of her busy crime-fighting and earth-protecting time to secretly keep tabs on his every stupid, scheming move. Funny, she would rather dress up as a nerd and take orders from him as his work underling, but she won't marry his ignorant ass. It's like the saying goes, keep your friend close, but your enemies closer. And to think all this time, I believed the Cheetah to be Wonder Woman's arch foe, when it was Steve Trevor the entire time!